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F**K off...

is how i feel right now

if you have to make shit up in your head
to justify your actions...
then the friendship was never real...

people need to take responsibility for their own bullshit
and stop blaming everyone else
for their stupidity

i'm tired of being the blame...
i'm tired of being their punching bag...

when i come out swinging...trust me its gonna be ugly!!!


RIP Shayla Dog..:(


LAST NIGHT AT ABOUT 2.15AM..I WAS JARRED OUT OF MY SLEEP BY OUR HUSKY SHAYLA CRYING OUT IN SOME KIND OF PAIN.

MY FAMILY (LITERALLY ENTIRE FAMILY) IS CAMPING THIS WEEKEND AND ABOUT 2 HOURS AWAY...

I LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW AND SAW THAT OUR BELOVED SIBERIAN HUSKY WAS LAYING ON THE GROUND BESIDE THE HOUSE IN A POSITION THAT WAS NOT NORMAL FOR HER AND THE CRIES SHE WAS LETTING OUT WAS SOMETHING I HAD NEVER HEARD. AFRAID OF BEING OUTSIDE ALONE IN THE BACK YARD (YES I'M CHICKEN..) I CALLED MY SISTER AND THE EMERGENCY VET HOSPITAL WHO TOLD ME I NEEDED TO BRING HER IN...WELL DUH!!! BUT HOW DO YOU LIFT A 50LB DOG WHO MIGHT BE IN PAIN AND PUT HER IN YOUR CAR ALONE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT...RIGHT? THEY PASSED ME A PHONE NUMBER FOR A.M.E.R.S. (
http://www.animalmedics.com/ )

ANYWAYS...SHAYLA PASSED ABOUT AN HOUR BEFORE THEY ARRIVED. IT SEEMS THEY ARE THE ONLY EMERGENCY AMBULANCE IN THE AREA AND IT WAS ATLEAST 45 MINUTES AWAY AND AT ANOTHER CALL...ARRIVING AT 4.30...THEY CHECKED HER, AND TOOK HER WITH THEM...

IRONICALLY, THE OWNER OF THIS COMPANY IS AN OLD HIGHSCHOOL FRIEND OF MINE AND I'M SO GRATEFUL THAT IT WAS SOMEONE I KNEW WHO TOOK CARE OF OUR DOG...

SHAYLA WAS BROUGHT TO US AS A RESCUE DOG 15 YEARS AGO...SHE HAD BEEN BEATEN BY HER PREVIOUS OWNER BUT HAD AN AMAZING SPIRIT AND WONDERFUL TEMPERMENT. SHE COMPLETELY ADORED MY FATHER AND WILL BE SORELY MISSED IN OUR BACK YARD AND HOME. SHE WAS OUR PROTECTOR, OUR FAMILY AND NOW SHE IS GONE AND IN HEAVEN WITH OUR MANY OTHER PETS THAT HAVE PASSED OVER THE YEARS.

LOSING HER LAST NIGHT MADE ME REALIZE AGAIN HOW IMPORTANT OUR PETS ARE TO US AND HOW MUCH THEY ARE A PART OF OUR FAMILY. I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT I WILL GO THROUGH THE DAY I LOSE MY DIVA...LOSING MY CAT 3 YEARS AGO HURT TERRIBLY. MY PARENTS ARE EXTREMELY SAD AS THEY WERE NOT ABLE TO BE THERE WITH HER IN HER FINAL MOMENTS.

ANYWAS, THANK YOU FOR LISTENING TO ME RAMBLE...BEEN A VERY LONG NIGHT AND NOW I'M AT WORK...I'M EXHAUSTED, EXTREMELY SAD AND JUST NEEDED A PLACE TO VENT A LIL..

HUG YOUR FURBABIES..AND LET THEM KNOW HOW SPECIAL THEY ARE...EVEN AFTER THEY HAVE TINKLED ONTHE CARPET, CHEWED UP A BRAND NEW SHOE OR STOLEN YOUR SANDWICH...

Writer's Block: Dream On

Do you ever have recurring dreams? If so, are they good dreams or nightmares?
Lately its the same dream, same people...
it could be good if it were true..
but its nightmare cuz its not..:(

The Secret....


“that a man can change himself…and master his own destiny is the conclusion of every mind who is wide awake to the power of the right thought.”

Christian D Larson (1866-1954)

Tired....


So tired of people who continuously play victim...
Continuously blame others for their sadness, their issues and the reasons why things go bad...
It ALWAYS takes two people to make things work or go bad....
But making someone constantly feel guilty because they couldn't be the friend you wanted them to be..
is unfair and truthfully...selfish...

I'm not a perfect friend, I never even pretended to be.  But I will not be deemed this horrible friend who couldn't stand by someone who needed more then my friendship to help them mend.  I won't have that kind of responsibility laid on my shoulders.  If that makes me selfish, I’m sorry but when did being a friend consist of having someones life consume yours making your life feel unimportant? My priority in life is make sure that I can make me happy!!!  Making sure I can make my life a better place, and make sure that I take the proper steps to ensure my own happiness, and creat the future I want and to be sure that my friends never have to feel like I'm a burden to them and know that no matter what I do accept them 100%.  But when I become a burden to them then there is a problem. 

I have always been a type of person that doesn't live in negativity.  I mean we always have days when life throws you curve balls and you can stand there and say I hate my life but those are few and far between.  I have always been optimistic about life and about people.  I don't look for the bad in people and surely try not to dwell on the past and the what ifs.  How can I allow people in my life that want to love me, are optomistic on life if I can love me and try and have a bright outlook on life if I can’t be that way. 

I look at things this way...Regardless of anything that has gone on here is how i want to live my life...


make plans for myself
expect the most from myself
have faith in me
keep all all my promises to myself
always trust myself

  believe in myself
fall in love with me and who I am inside and out...

I won't be made to feel guilty about how I feel or be made out to be a bad guy or play the victim.  We are all in charge of our own destiny...its out responsiblity.  So yet again I take responsiblity for maybe not being the "right" friend but I won't feel bad about making myself priority!  I am choosing my destiny and thats to make sure that my life goes according to my plan and not get sucked down by BS.

*steps off soap box....sweeps the bullshit out the door ...and enjoys life

Ironic...

If your going to even insinuate that someone "Get a life"

You should probably evaluate your own..to see if umm..maybe you have a life...right?!!?

I know..I have one..:)
a job
school
an amazing family and group of friends who I have made countless memories and continue making them with

pretty damn good life if you ask me...

just my thoughts...

 

So  much has been going on and its thrown my very content world into a turmoil.  WTF!!!! 

 

I’ve come to accept that my friendship with them is over…but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt tremendously.  I found myself picking up the phone to call them the other day and burst into tears.  They were someone that I shared everyone with.  But after the last “convo” …I can’t bring myself to do it.  I don’t know that I can forgive the words, the harshness of their words to me.  Because I know I am not any of those things and I don’t believe I did anything wrong unless wanting some peace is wrong.   I do wish them the best of everything regardless of what they may or may not think of me.  I never wished them any harm or anything .  I'm  just not the right friend for them and I think everyone has the right to say.  “I don’t want any drama in my world, enough with the negativity.” I think its ok to say that, I think in order for us to stay positive in an already negative world, it takes a lot of work and sometimes it takes us to clean out the negative and the stuff that is bringing us down to make the change.

I hope that the demise of our friendship helps them find the happiness they want and deserve.  I hope they are able to find peace with their past and their current relationships and I hope they find forgiveness for some of us that can’t be the persons they wanted us to be. 

I have to pick myself up by the boot straps, continue to make the changes that I am making in my life, no matter how hard it is.

I need to remember these words

 

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

the serenity prayer - alcoholics anonymous - reinhold niebuhr

Writer's Block: Life Changes

What change have you made in your life that you're most proud of?
Changes...I got the help needed when things were dark and I didn't know what was becoming of my life...
I went back to school after I got laid off...
and I'm just trying to be a positive person (with thos bad days..lol)
I'm proud of me..

Step 3..:p

 

Today was a big day…and it started off with a blistering email because god forbid I had feelings and needed to vent.  Slap me down and send me to hell.  You know what..its okay.  I know what I am, I know I’m a good friend and have a good heart.  If it makes them feel better to blame me…fine by me.  Just remember that at some point…you have to take responsibility for your own bullshit or you never get past it and move on!!!  I may not be completely ok with everything that happened but I do know one thing…I’ll get past it and move forward and be happy doing so.  

Today I met with the surgeon for gastric by pass surgery.  I was scared to death about getting on the scale and talking to the dr.  My blood pressure was up a bit, probably from the stress of the last week and because I just haven’t given a shit about anything but its time to change that.  I lost 11lbs in the last 2 months and I’m proud of that and so was my dr.  He was impressed that I had lost weight and started on some kind of work out.  His talk today rejuvenated me and the goals I have created for my life and how I plan to live it.  I have another 25 lbs to lose before they will put me on the list for the surgery and that’s ok. I’m going to work hard to get that off and make sure I’m on that list as soon as possible.  

I joined Weight Watchers today online to see if monitoring what I eat by calories and points will help me with my loss.  I think by making myself more accountable will help me in the long run and I need a place to really monitor the weight loss.  25lbs is a lot for me and I’m looking forward to dropping it.  I’m already feeling a difference in the way my clothes fit with just 11lbs.  I’ve taken steps to curb my emotional and stress eating and starting the work out process.  (although I need to get back on track this week as the last 2 weeks have been sadly ignored.)

Changes, hope and a healthy life is what I’m striving for.  I won’t be brought down by negative attitude or made to feel like I’m a bad person for having feels and needs of my own.  

Life is too short and I refuse to keep living an unhealthy lifestyle and worry about things I can’t change from the past.  Time to worry about my future and keep those that want to be in world in my world.  

Down 11lbs- 25 to go to my first goal!!!
I can do this! 
 

Closing a chapter....




So this week has been the week from hell.  Not only do I have my own crap to deal with, but my so called best friend decided that since I didn’t want to deal with her drama….that I was a selfish person.  But truthfully how much of the “I hate my life.” , “I wish I were dead.” and “I wish I’d never wake up.” can one person handle.  I’m all about being their for my friends and listening to them but when does it go from friendship to being a therapist.  I am not a therapist.  I love to make my friends feel better but at some point if you are having a hard time getting over something and its affecting every aspect of your life and you’ve gone into full blown depression, then I can’t help you anymore.  You need professional help!!  

I’m the kind of friend that would take the pain away if I could.  What ends up happening is that I take on all that negativity and it brings me down and it begins to consume my life.  When 99% of our conversations is all about their drama and I can’t turn to them when I need them or just have a fun conversation….what do you do?!  

They ended our friendship on Monday since I decided I needed a break.  I have no idea what that break would have done.  But I needed a break from the drama.  The constant worry about what kind of mood they would be in and if I was going to spend the next 3 hours listening to how people treat them like shit all the time.  I had to decide if I could accept all that came with them and see if they could accept me for what I was.  But I was wrong, the mere fact that I  made myself priority was cause to end a 3 year friendship with out any second thoughts.  

I told them once that if I get backed into a corner hard enough I have no problem walking away and slamming the door hard.  Opening it will be extremely hard again as trust is gone.  They didn’t listen, which is normal.  They haven’t listened to anything I’ve said in months.  So telling them anything was like talking to a wall because it would always flip back to how wrong their life was.  

I don’t’ want to live in a pity party in world.  I don’t want to drown in negativity.  That’s not me, will hopefully never be me.  I like to be optimistic, to feel hope and keep the faith.  No matter how hard it is, its important to live life with a lil optimism and hope.  Otherwise why continue.

Am I sad its over?  Of course, they were my best friend and I loved them.  But I’m angry that I could be so disregarded when all I needed is time.  I’m pissed that they could just walk away because I don’t live up to their expectations of a friend.   I’m sad because she was my friend, someone I trusted completely with everything and its gone.  

But I’m not a therapist or a punching bag.  I’m me, accept it or don’t.  I have faults like everyone else and I respect it and accept how everyone is but that doesn’t  mean I need to become the doormat of a one sided friendship…

I an not selfish or cold hearted, I’m just tired of being  wrapped up in stuff that is not mine to be wrapped up in.  I’m tired of being deemed a bad friend because I don’t agree and tired of having “we should just end this friendship” thrown in my face when things get tough.  

Well I guess the friendship is over but I didn’t abandon…I didn’t close the doors.  You did…

I’ll move on and I’ll live my life completely and fully.  Keeping the optimism and the hope.  I have a lot of things going on and I need to finally be priority in my life.  Me!  Right now that’s the most important.